Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
