Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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