I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
