Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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