I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
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She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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