apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
And then he peed in my hair
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