took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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