why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
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