areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
