1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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