If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
