Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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