Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
