It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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