true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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