The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
