we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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