I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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