i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
