it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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