my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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