Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
and you fell through a lawn chair
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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