youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
