Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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