Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
