How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
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