i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Randomize
