Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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