dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
