I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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