Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
