Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
