The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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