So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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