I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I need to calm my uterus...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
