Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
