i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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