i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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