Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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