just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
