ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
