I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I want to fling myself into the sun
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
