Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
