I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
