Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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