Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
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Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
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Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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