me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
