Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
