Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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