My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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