I cannot find my penis.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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