i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
