Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
