Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
