I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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