after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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