Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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