Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
