Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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