You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
